It's GREAT to be a Florida Gator!

Ahhhhhhhh that game was amazing! The Florida/Florida State rivalry is one of the biggest in the country. Being at The Swamp for Tim Tebow, Brandon Spikes, Riley Cooper, Brandon James, and the rest of the 25 seniors was so awesome. Timmy was crying when he
walked out of the tunnel.

Incredible night and I'm ready for an incredible night of celebrating the Gator's undefeated season. Can't wait for the SEC Chsmpionship in Atlanta next weekend!

I love how football totally takes my mind off of everything. Take that, ACW.

I hate how I have to ability to remember every single detail about situations and conversations. I can repete so many conversations I've had over the last five years word for word. I fucking hate it.

I went over. I talked to Angela. I played rock, paper, scissors with Trevor. I showed Mike my last story. Then Alex came downstairs and it was the most obviously awkward hello in my life. "Trev, what did you do with my- oh, you're here." "Thanks." "I didn't mean it like that."

He asked if we could talk. We went upstairs. I've always loved Alex's room. It's always been so... comforting? It always smells the same. Like a cross between clean laundry and boy. The first time he said he loved me. Hours of playing Would You Rather. Accidentally spilling iced tea in the corner, twice. My first time. Dancing to Frank Sinatra. It's always been such a safe place for me, but yesterday was just weird. It was like I had never been there before.

Katie, I bought you a ring." He bought me a ring. He wasn't going to ask me any time soon. Not until he knew when we'd finally be able to physically be together for more than Thanksgiving and Christmas and other stupid holidays. But the more he thought about it, the more he thought I would say no. He thought I would say no. He thought I would say no even though we've been talking about it, really talking about it, for two years.

He said he realized that there was a huge chance that I would say no, and that scared him. There was no chance. There wasn't even a fraction of a chace. Until all of this, I would have married him in a heart beat. How did he not know that?

"You thought I'd say no?" "I thought you could have. I was scared you would." "You're such an idiot."

He said he couldn't handle it if I said no. Could't live with it. So I guess he decided that he'd just not risk it. Stupid stupid stupid! Then he started to think that he, the most incredible, smart, ambitious person I've ever met, didn't have enough to offer me in the long run. That working 10-hour days, then working more at home wouldn't let him give me the attention I deserve. Bullshit. Bullshittttttt!

Ugh. So to make a long story short, he'd rather not have me at all than have me but make me unhappy. It's way more complicated than that, but I just can't explain it all, mostly because he had a hard time explaining it too. It's because it doesn't make sense.

I asked him if he realized how much he hurt me. He said no. He said he's sorry and he never wanted it to be like this. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't forgive him. I don't understand him.

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where we stand because I told him his new insecurities ruined everything. I didn't want to hear any more. I left. I know we should have talked more, but I feel that I've deserved the right to be immature. I know he feels like shit, and I hope he feels ten times worse.

I know what I want to happen.

"What did you do with the ring?" "It doesn't matter.

"You were going to ask me to marry you, but instead you told me you didn't know if we should be together?
"For lack of better words, yeah."

I've been stressing so bad yesterday and today about Thursday. I'm so scared to see him. I don't know what to say to him. At all. I don't think that, "I still want to be with you, but I can't because I hate you." will go over too well. I'm terrified of small talk, at least when it comes to him. It's so weird that after five years, I'm worried about how to say hello to him.

I know that it's been a month and a half, but I still cry sometimes. I feel so stupid when I do, but there are times when I miss him so much. I think I have the right to. He was it. He was everything for almost five years. I know it sounds like I complain a lot and say that same shit over and over again. I hate him so much.

Jesus, I can't even say his name.

New Moon tonight. I figured all the weirdos will have seen it already, so I'll be safe :) Holly and I were supposed to go, but even though Ryan said he's cool with me and her staying friends, I'm forever Team Ryan. I'm making him come with me instead. He complained, but I know he secretly wants to go.

V, I'm having a drink for you tonight. I know it's not your birthday on your side of the rock, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon here. Happy Birthday, you know I love you.

"Clair de Lune" was my favorite piece of music long before Twilight was even a thought in Mormon Meyer's brain.

Just so you know.

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

The Starting Line is playing a holiday show in Philly on my birthday.

Oh my God.

I don't care if it's seven states and 950 miles away. Ryan and I will be there.

The fucking STARTING LINE!

I think Ryan and Holly are practically done, which totally breaks my heart because I know how much RV loves her. He thinks that his karma is catching up with him for all the shit he did in high school. He used to be such a dick when it came to girls. He could never tie himself to just one girl. But every single girl he's ever really, truly, seriously liked has screwed him over. Rachel cheated on him with who she said was her cousin (obviously not). Kina said she didn't want to be in a relationship any more but had a new boyfriend two weeks later. Erin randomly broke up with him before she got on the plane to transfer to USC and is totally crazy now. Things with Holly were so different. He flew to AUSTRALIA to be with her this summer. Literaly the other side of the planet. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

He's at her place now, trying to salvage anything he can, but he said he really doesn't see it working. I'm so sad for him. I don't want him to have to feel like I've felt for the majority of the last month and a half. It hurts and it sucks. He's my best friend. I wish I could protect him from shit like this.

I sound like a mom. It's true though.

On a different note, I'm panicking. I promised Alex's mom that I would stop by on Thanksgiving. It was going to be okay because Alex wasn't going to be coming home. He was supposed to stay in New York. I found today from Ben that his company decided to close for the entire week, so now he's coming home. I can't bail on Angela. She called me yesterday to make sure I was coming over to say hi and I promised her I would. Today I found out he's going to be there. I promised. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? I can't see him. I don't want to and I want to and I can't be around him.

Brandon thinks that it might be a good idea for me to talk to him face to face, and I know a lot of people probably agree, but they're not the ones who will have to stand in front of the person that hurt them a million times worse than they've ever been hurt before. I'm scared. I don't want to go, but I can't not go.

As if Thanksgiving wasn't going to be bad enough. Christmas is our branch of the family tree's holiday. Everyone comes to our house and all that shit. Thanksgiving, however, was my Uncle Bryce's holiday. He loved it. He made three turkeys and organized the biggest family football games. He always said that there was no better holiday because it combined the three greatest things in the world: family, food, and football. He died in September of 2006 from lung cancer after never smoking a day in his life. This will be the third Thanksgiving without him. It's been at our house since he died and it's been so somber. My dad tries to fill Bryce's role, but he knows he's he'll never be his brother. Brad and Bright try to distract themselves with whatever games are on TV or playing football with the younger kids in the yard. Braiden just kind of lulls around. My aunt tries to be cheery. We all do, but it's so hard. I miss him so much. He was such a good man.

Ugh, I'm depressing myself. As if the Alex anxiety wasn't bad enough. I just hope my family can stay as strong as we have for the last two Thanksgivings. At least we've got each other.

I feel lazy.

--
Despite that fact that they were born just eight minutes apart, Nick and Riley couldn't have been any more opposite.
--

There is nothing worse than seeing your best friend unhappy.

I feel like a total pedo creeper looking up pictures of kids, but I need three more.

There was a point to this, but I really think I just need to be with my best friend right now. He's the sole reason I've gotten through the last six weeks and I just hope he doesn't end up feeling like I've felt. I'll explain later.

Ryan just took my phone and changed Blake's name in my address book from 'Blake From Halloween' to 'Booty Call Blake'.

I'd be mad if it wasn't funny.
I need new friends.

edit::: My husband Peyton Manning and the Colts are playing the evil Patriots in TWO MINUTES!

I've decided that I'm okay with what happened Thursday night. Blake is a nice guy and it's not like I do shit like this all the time. I don't go around sleeping with random boys for the hell of it. That's not me.

I wish that I could talk more openly about any kind of sex life, but I turn into a middle school kid and get totally awkward. I think it comes from being so close with the boys. I'd rather gut myself than let them know what goes on. I'm sure they'd rather gut themselves than have to listen to it, so we're all happy.

But yeah, no regrets any more. Well, regret really isn't the right word because I never regretted going over to Blake's. It was more disappointment, but I'm okay with it now.

He's cute.

Good night.

Wow. I never thought I'd do something like that before. Ughhhhh I feel like shit.

Damn. This is college, right?

Hello Captain. Thank you for keeping me company tonight because I'm not doing too hot today.



I think I'm going to call him. I can think of 40,000 reasons not to, but I'm starting not to care. I miss feeling wanted.

Thursday nights were Kellan’s. Friday nights were for the boys, and if the whole gang got together to do something it was usually on Saturday nights, but Thursday nights were for her.

I wanted to catch up on So You Think You Can Dance today. Mistake. It left me crying to Ryan for a half hour.



That was our song. That was supposed to be our wedding song. Jesus Christ.
I'm sick of crying. I thought I was over that. And I'm sure Ryan is tired of me crying to him. He's got his own shit to worry about.

Dear Alexander,
Today is November 10, 2009. Five years ago today, you told me that you needed me in your life. We had only known each other for 11 days, but it felt like so much longer. I remember that moment so perfectly. Pointe Orlando. Outside of FAO Schwarz. The stupid bubble machine. Was it really that long ago? Five years? You said that you knew it sounded crazy because we hadn't even known each other for two weeks, but that you just knew that there was something special there. Something real and so much more than just making out in parking lots after soccer games and laughing on the phone until 3 in the morning. You said that you needed me. I wish that you hadn't changed your mind.

Five years. 50 months. 260 weeks. 1,825 days. I miss you so much.

I hate that I love you,
Katie

I want to call Blake. Someone convince me that this is a bad idea.

I got a 100% on my last story.

Yes, this needs its own entry because it's a huge deal. People don't get 100s in that class. It's the hardest class in the UF College of Journalism and Communications for any of the four majors the CJC offers. It's in the top five most dropped and failed non-gen. ed. classes in the entire university. People don't get perfect stories. They just don't. There have been 10 weekly stories due so far this semester. There are about 15 students in each lab. There are four labs with four different teachers. Out of about 600 stories, I have the only 100%.

I may not be a very good fiction writer, but I am a damn good journalist.

edit::: And oh my God, Dear Jack came in the mail today. This is the most incredible, inspiring, beautiful person that I have ever met. The world is so blessed to have him.

double edit::: A gunman shot at least 8 people in downtown Orlando today. At least one person is dead. I'm supposed to go downtown tonight for a concert. I'm sad for all those people, but at the same time, the interstate better open back up around the area so I can still go to my show.

At this time tomorrow I'll be on my way home from the Brand New show. Yes yes yes yes yesssssssss!!! Ryan might cry/piss his pants, he's that excited.

I watched last night's Gossip Girl tonight and it was one of my favorite episodes of the season because there was more than two minutes of Nate Archibald. Chace Crawford is just so ridiculously handsome that it's almost unnatural. There are few celebrities on this planet that leave me speechless, physically, but Chace... damn. He's just like... damn. Second only to Paul William Walker IV, who I refuse to believe it 36. There's just no way.

--

Talk about rough copies. This still has all my stupid notes. This is the first typed draft. So much needs to be fixed and added. This is basically just what was transfered from paper to MS Word. Then I added notes. Still untitled, but I have a couple of things in mind.

( Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? )

She talked in her sleep, which would probably annoy most people, but he thought it was adorable, especially when she mumbled his name. It was the biggest ego trip to know that she thought about him even in her sleep.  

I'm physically incapable of studying. I just can't do it. I'm not designed for it. What a loser.

So. Blake. Like I said last time, he came to the Halloween party with one of my brother's friends. Super cute. Curly light brown hair, blue eyes, probably around 6'2, Alabama drawl, criminology major. I was trying to take the second blender down from the cabinet above the refrigerator but I couldn't reach it. He walked into he kitchen, saw me struggling, and got it down for me. After that, we just started talking and hung out for like two hours. When he and his friend left, he asked me if he was allowed to ask me out (Southern gentleman helloooo!). I told him that I didn't think so, and he said he understood (I had told him about my situation earlier). He said to call him if I changed my mind.

I cannot like this boy. I can't. There's no way. I just had the biggest part of my life taken away from me. I'm not even remotely ready to move on to someone else. I don't want to move on to anyone else at all. I want Alex and I want things to go back to how they were before he decided he didn't want me or whatever the fuck it was.

I think that I'm just really lonely. I don't like feeling alone and unwanted. No one does. I think that I'm drawn to Blake because he's someone who seems to like me. He's physically there. I don't know. It's hard to explain. It's like I'm trying to fil a void that I only partially want to fill.

What the fuck. That doesn't even make sense. Ugh.

His name is Blake and he's a Lambda Chi Alpha. He came to our Halloween party with one of Brandon's friends. He was born in Alabama but moved to Orlando when he was 16. He's a criminolgy major and has the trace of an adorable southern accent. I refuse to like this boy and that is all I will say.

( Beginning. Still untitled. Rough. )

I wish there was more time in the dayyyyy! I can never get anything done.

This is a reminder to myself to post about cute boys who are not named Alex and booze and Halloween. What a night...

I hate flossing my teeth. It hurts like hell. And I hate cramps, though after that scare a few months ago, I appreciate any sign that there's not a baby living in me. Not that's it's remotely possible that I'm pregnant considering there has been zero baby-making activity for Katie since September.

I dont know why I can't write about sex. It's weird to me. It's my business, not the world's.

Brand New on Wednesdayyyyy!